I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
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the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Happy Taco Tuesday
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.