I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
courtroom exchange of the day