I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts