Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

🤣🤣🤣

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.