I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me checking my bank balance online.