I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.