i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart