I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
awkward
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.