I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
🤣✨#caturday
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.