@CulturedRuffian

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

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@KrissiBex

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@c8h10n4o2m

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@mommajessiec

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

@daddygofish

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

@ObscureGent

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.