‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol


Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.


Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.


The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.


As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.


Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11


[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.