‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]