“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
San Francisco has too many rules
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.