I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
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Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.