“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.