I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.