I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.