I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest