I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Ah yes. The three genders
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”