I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh