I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
You Might Also Like
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
He’s cranky this morning
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
the answer was staring at me all along
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.