I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer