Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”
*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.