I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
best first i’ve ever seen
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
describing stardew valley
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Make new friends? bro out of what?