I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
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this is funnier than any friends episode
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I hope it’s French Onion!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.