Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

My dream job is getting paid to dream

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.