I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?