I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
tis the season
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.