I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*