I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.