I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut