I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
PLOT TWIST:
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.