I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You鈥檙e not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
But what if it鈥檚 actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone鈥檚 gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that鈥檚 not my name and I think you鈥檝e had enough.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Woke up against my better judgement again
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation