I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
😂😂😂
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.