I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted