I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
the council will decide your fate
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
john wicks are toilet candles
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)