@ShipInTheKnight

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

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@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

@batkaren

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

@markydoodoo

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

@GrantTanaka

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

@_SouthernMama

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

@JohnLyonTweets

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

@OllyiConic

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@SanuTweetsU

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

@rachelaxler

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.