I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way


“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.


If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.


[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]


(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?


When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.


ME: i don’t trust salesmen
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut


My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.


The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.


it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.