If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.