@ShipInTheKnight
@darinlovesbacon If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
You Might Also Like
@darinlovesbacon 
@batkaren “Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
@markydoodoo If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
@GrantTanaka [dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
@_SouthernMama (Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
@JohnLyonTweets When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
@OllyiConic ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
@aveuaskew My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
@SanuTweetsU The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
@rachelaxler it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.