I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper