I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
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absolutely not
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal