I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?