I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken