I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
it must be school picture day
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”