I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Big Sex has us all fooled
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Selfie
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert