I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?