I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something