I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
B
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him