“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Every. Damn. Time.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill