Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Merica.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics