I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My birth announcement for our third baby
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
dads on road-trips be like
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil