Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

This has made my week.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt