I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
an airline just for babies.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*