I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.