I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.