I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?