I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.