I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
The glory of fall.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime