I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
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when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS