I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
You Might Also Like
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The Joker was right
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
BaD BoY!!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.